Big Boom

Half a year before I became disabled I travelled in Germany with an organisation promoting international exchange and explored German society and culture. My discoveries provoked a tremendous culture shock in me, which brought my concepts in chaos. I felt that I could not build anything on the values of this world. Everything appeared to me like huge coulisse in theater, that hid away an invisible world, which had answers for the questions, that were rising in me while watching the happenings on the stage. Neither the coulisse nor the play performed on the stage seemed to be important. In this big theater everything seemed to circle around one big question: How long each player managed to keep up the façade he had built for his life and how it happened. At every opportunity I tried to see behind the scene in order to get a clue of the sustainable ground, on which I could build my life.

After I returned home I felt empty. Everything seemed to be OK, but I was – mildly put – lost. I had promised to my teacher that I would hold a presentation of my journey before my class, but when the school started I had complete chaos in my mind. My motivation weakened in every respect. Some weeks after my journey I found a little book with lyrics of an old oriental hymn in it. I was repeating the words in the depth of my heart over and over again and they tasted like honey in my soul:

Oh You mighty, divine power, who fill all space and prevail forever through changing of time. You, who are above every perishing thing, in Your greatness and strength inconceivable, all comprising and all maintaining power: You only I want to honour.
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Although human mind could measure depths of oceans, could count earth’s every sandgrain or divide beams of sunlight of one another, it would not comprehend Your greatness and understand Your judgements. Human thought cannot reach the heights, where You reign.
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Of yourself You created the world, of eternity You conjured time. Everything existing, life and light, harmony, beauty and vigour have they origin in You.
Every sonority and glory, every great and lasting thing is generated by Your word.
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Universe with all its wonders and living creatures are maintained by Your power and love. Like sparks fling out of fire, so are all shining worlds flinging out of You. You guide them, and they write Your name and glory on the blackboard of infinity.
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You light countless glowing torches illuminate the bottomless depth, and Your glory banishes evil forces of darkness. You fill space with shining pillars, and Your golden streams are flowing between countless solar regimes, in which stars are tiny drops.
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As I ponder on Your might and greatness and see Your work I understand that I am only an atom among myriads greater than me. I weigh nothing on Your scale, I vanish like a wind when You approach, and I am nothing when I see myself in Your light.
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And still I am part of You. I am offspring of Your mind and will. I live on Your spirit, and I cannot exist without You. Worshipping You I realise, that You are my source and destination. I see Your presence in everything, and cause You exist, I exist also.
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From You I got my understanding, and the paths of my life have You marked out. My heart beats, because you want, and in Your eyes atoms are like tremendous celestial bodies. My place is between heaven and earth, as near heaven as earth, and I belong to both of them.
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I am a link in the chain of existence, a link, which is matter and spirit all together. From matter I rise and onto higher level I will climb. I am slave and still king, insect and still godlike. But I am this not of myself, but of You and in You.
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You are my creator, and my existence is based upon Your wisdom. Your love is my life, and Your light my lighting. I get my life from You and that is why I am immortal. I cross the stream of death throwing a robe of eternity over my shoulders, because that is Your will.
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Oh, this everlasting thought, this unlimited possibility. To adapt oneself into inconceivable. Be able to love, hope and worship. Be able to reach levels of perfection – this is so wonderful, so magnificent that it makes my soul cry tears of joy.

ANCIENT ORIENTAL HYMN

Over the years the sound of these words has become louder and louder, more and more clear. As I found myself in hospital totally paralysed and unable to speak I had practically nothing left from my past life time except the lyrics of the hymn, which was engraved in my mind. The words were my only comfort when my life was reset and I was lying in hospital unable to turn myself over, communicating by blinking of eyes. Regardless of my helplessness – or because of it – I had a feeling that I was nearer to myself and my creator than ever. The words followed me as I was learning to walk and climb stairs. They echoed in my ears as I was sitting in my room in front of a mirror holding long meetings with myself. They were looking in the background while I was visualizing an apartment for myself on seaside. They were humming satisfied as I acknowledged a scholarship one after another to finance my studies. They comforted me when people were looking at me as if I was a strange junglebird and as my friends turned their back to me. I was never feeling lonely. As I was sniffing the velvet smooth night air of Shanghai with all its strange flavours, looking at people making their bed on the street I felt at home, although I was thousands of miles away from home.